The Anti-Monitor's Epic Adventure
by ClassicDalekEmperor
Summary: The Anti-Monitor decides to leave the antimatter universe and return to the real world, but little does he know that an evil puppet hunter is awaiting him.


"Well, that was shit," the Anti-Monitor said to himself as he finished watching another episode of _MonsterQuest_, the episode in particular dealing with rumors of an unusually large shark living in Mexico. "I'm in the DC multiverse or whatever right now, right?" he said to no one in particular, looking around his antimatter living room. "Surely there has to be something more interesting going on than a giant shark."

Just as the Anti-Monitor was wondering what he should do for the rest of the day, he heard a knocking at his front door. "Hold on a second, you so-and-so," he muttered to himself as he got off his couch and went to answer the door. Standing there in the doorway was Omega, the only other resident of the antimatter universe. "Omega? What are you doing here?" the Anti-Monitor asked, as he hadn't seen his friend in quite some time. "Well, Anti-Monitor, I thought I should come over to," he paused, unsure of what to say, "well, I'll explain inside, shall I?"

Omega took a sip of coffee from the Cyberman mug that he had given to the Anti-Monitor for Christmas the previous year, somehow drinking it through his huge mask, before setting it down on the table and turning his attention to his friend. "Now then, I just finished watching _The Dark Knight_, as well as the sequel," Omega explained, with the Anti-Monitor having his undivided attention. "Well?" asked the Anti-Monitor. "I think you should go back to the part of DC that isn't made of antimatter," Omega finished, "it's good." The Anti-Monitor considered the advice of his friend, looking down at his antimatter carpet before looking back to Omega. "Why don't you go back to the Whoniverse, Omega?" "Because Steven Moffat is a sexist prick." "Ah."

"Being the world's greatest rapist, I am constantly on the lookout for big butts," explained Vindo, the most evil puppet hunter currently alive, who was also a rapist. "Who are you talking to?" asked Vindo's anteater sidekick, Nigel, who was carrying a large box filled with hunting equipment. "Nigel! Don't drop those!" Vindo shouted, suddenly changing the subject of the conversation. "Now listen, I've just received word from Encyclopedia Dramatica that the Anti-Monitor is going to leave the antimatter universe for the first time since the swine flu outbreak. Do you know what that means?" Nigel stared at Vindo in silence for a few seconds. "You're going to rape the Anti-Monitor?" "No, you silly shit!" Vindo replied, rather harshly. "Instead, I shall capture him, kill him, mount his head on my wall and jerk off inside of his big goofy helmet while watching child porn on your laptop! It's brilliant!" With that, Vindo let out a maniacal laugh, as Nigel pondered exactly why the fuck he'd signed up for this.

As the Anti-Monitor stepped off the plane and into the airport, he almost wished that he'd stayed in the antimatter universe. The flight had been terrible; there was a baby in front of him that wouldn't stop crying, all the movies he'd watched had been shit, and a man in a Megaman costume had attempted to sexually assault him. What had been most frightening was when Willy Wonka had shown up out of nowhere and sung an unnerving song about directions and mowing the lawn while distressing images of men eating spiders appeared behind him. "Thank God that's over with," said the Anti-Monitor. Just as he was preparing to go and find his luggage (before he remembered that he didn't bring any, of course, because he's the fucking Anti-Monitor), he saw a familiar face that he instantly recognized. "ROBOT JONES!" the Anti-Monitor shouted in delight, running over to the small automaton who was sitting in a plastic chair, staring out the window. Jones barely seemed to notice the enormous cosmic being running toward him, letting him come to a halt at his side as he stared out into the sky. "Can I have your autograph? Please? Pretty please?" Robot Jones said nothing for a few seconds, before letting out a deep sigh. "Take a seat, Anti-Monitor," he said, his voice unusually solemn. The Anti-Monitor did as was instructed, taking his seat with as much dignity as possible after his initial outburst before looking back to Jones. A few more uncomfortable seconds went by, with the Anti-Monitor almost opening his mouth before Jones spoke again. "I am leaving, Anti-Monitor." There was yet another pause, as the Anti-Monitor absorbed this information. "What? No, you can't be serious! Robot Jones, you can't die! You _can't!_" "Death?" Robot said, almost sounding amused. "You are mistaken, my friend," he explained, "I am above death - and isn't all fiction, really? No Anti-Monitor, I will not die. Instead, I will ascend to a place with a name that cannot be pronounced in any known language, a place so great that it is beyond human imagination; that is why it is beyond fiction." While relieved that Robot Jones would still exist in some form, the Anti-Monitor was still distressed. "But why, RJ? Why must you leave us? Why not stay here?" Robot Jones seemed to be on the brink of tears. "I would love to stay here, Anti-Monitor. But they need me out there. The beings that exist in this place, they are dying, they are under siege from a great evil more vile than anything you could possibly imagine," Robot explained, "and I cannot allow them to die, not without a fight," Robot continued, "and do not think that I won't miss this realm. I will miss it, Anti-Monitor, I will miss it terribly and all that dwell here, even the Yogman Twins." Hot tears ran down the Anti-Monitor's face; what he was seeing was the most beautiful, yet tragic thing he'd ever seen in his life. "I leave today, very soon," Robot said, his eyes watering up as well, "but before I leave, I have come to warn you." Robot turned to the Anti-Monitor, speaking now in a calm, collected voice, "there is evil in this realm too, Anti-Monitor, great evil. And it waits for you, it watches you even now." The Anti-Monitor was taken aback. What in this humble airport could possibly threaten him? "Explain, Robot," the Anti-Monitor said, "please, explain!" "There is no time," Robot said. Before either could say another word, Robot Jones was gone. He did not gradually fade away, or beam out in the manner of a _Star Trek_ character; he was simply there one moment, and then he was gone. Once again, Robot Electro Jones had been cruelly torn away from a world that did not truly deserve him.

"Curses!" screeched Vindo, just as Nigel was parking the van outside the airport. "What's the matter now Vindo?" Nigel asked, as he turned toward his master in the back of the vehicle. "I've just gotten another update from Encyclopedia Dramatica, and it seems that," Vindo suddenly paused, reading the text displayed on his iPad over again a few times before continuing, "it seems that _**GOD HIMSELF**_ warned the Anti-Monitor of our plans!" Nigel gasped. "How much information did the Anti-Monitor get, Vindo?" "Well, I don't know, it doesn't say!" Vindo replied, shoving the iPad back up his arse, "but what we do know now is that we need to be more careful! I suspect that something more subtle than slowly approaching the target with my rifle drawn is needed here," Vindo said, rubbing his chin and twirling his bowler hat for good measure.

As Vindo planned, the Anti-Monitor stepped out from the airport, still rather shaken after his encounter with Robot "fucking" Jones. "There he is!" Nigel said, noticing him through the window and pointing him out to his nefarious boss. "Aha! There's a good Anti-Monitor, revealing yourself to us while you're in a state of emotional vulnerability," sneered Vindo, grinning and revealing his rows of hideous, rotten black teeth. "Nigel," he said, turning toward his furry minion, "distract that egg-headed fool while I prepare my killing tool." "Copy that Vindo," Nigel replied, leaving the van to confront the Anti-Monitor. As Nigel left, Vindo looked in his 'rifle box' and was presented with a choice between an M40 sniper rifle that he'd stolen from the United States Marine Corps during an acid trip, or a musket that was used in the British conquest of New Zealand. Vindo considered himself a classy puppet hunter rapist, so he took the musket, smelling the stained patch of Maori blood on the barrel and cumming a tiny bit before finlly exciting out the back of the van.

"Hello there, mister Anti-Monitor sir!" said Nigel as cheerfully as he could, approaching the Anti-Monitor. "Oh, hello there," replied the Anti-Monitor, curious as to where this infantile anteater had come from, "can I help you?" "Well, I have a boss who's a puppet and also a rapist and a hunter who wants to murder you, so I need you to stand perfectly still while he puts a bullet through your head. Could you do that for me?" The Anti-Monitor took a moment to take this in. "I'm sorry, what?" The Anti-Monitor received his answer when he felt what seemed suspiciously like a bullet ping off the side of his temple, before turning his attention to the third creepiest motherfucker he'd seen all day (the second being the man in the Megaman costume and the first being Willy Wonka). "Damnation! I missed!" shouted Vindo, throwing his musket to the ground in frustration. "Actually Vindo, you hit him exactly where you wanted to, it just didn't kill him because he's the Anti-Monitor," Nigel replied, speaking in a perfectly calm tone of voice. "Oh," Vindo said, suddenly sounding rather embarrassed, "I suppose I didn't really think that one through." "OK, can one of you pricks explain what the deal is here?" the Anti-Monitor demanded, his confusion turning to anger. "Well, it's simple," Vindo replied, walking out from behind the van towards the Anti-Monitor, "I was raping a teenage girl the other day when I got an update from Encyclopedia Dramatica, the greatest website of all time, that you had decided to leave the antimatter universe and return here to the land of giant Mexican sharks, so I thought I'd murder you, take your helmet, and then masturbate feverishly into it while observing child pornography," he explained.

The Anti-Monitor said nothing in response. But instead, he grabbed Vindo and through him.

He through him far, far away from the planet Earth. He threw him passed the moon and the sun, beyond the stars, straight up Azathoth's butthole.

The Anti-Monitor did throw Vindo.


End file.
